Diarrhea - Dr. Demento

I know it's getting late, 
And I know we had a date, Lucia, 
I hate to make you wait, 
'Cause it would be so great to see ya.

And tears fall from my eyes, and I must apologise, Lucia, 
I'll have to stay at home so I called you on the phone, 
'Cause I'm stuck here on the throne, with diarrhea.

I thought that it was only gas, 
So I went and let one pass, 
Then I stood there in a trance, 
As I filled my brand new pants.

My mother brought me soup, 
But it only made me poop, Lucia, 
I never should have ate, 
But it sounded like a great idea... 

You know it really hurts, when you got the hurshy squirts, Lucia, 
There's no toilet paper to be seen, 
So I used People magazine, 
And it makes me want to scream 'diarrhea'.

*farting noises to a tune*

I love you dear with all my heart, 
But I can't go on with liquid farts, 
I wouldn't have to break our date, if only I could constipate.

I know you got the hots, 
But I really got the trots, Lucia, 
There's no need to scream and shout, 
'Cause tomorrow we'll go out, I guarantee ya, 

I know you need your man, 
So I came up with a plan Lucia, 
I'll take a cork and superglue, 
And pound it in there with my shoe, 
And then I'll be all through, with diarrhea!