Left Brain, Right Brain - Bo Burnham

Hello patient 24602 
Hey what's up ?
How are you feeling?
I'm alright
Has the treatment been working?
No, not really
What are your remaining symptoms?
I hate myself, I'm not good with other people, I don't know if I'm real or not
Blah, blah, blah, you're such a fucking pussy
Real mature, real fucking mature, conscience
I'm just messing around Bo, your problem is simple, your emotion and logic are at war
Your creativity and analysis are at war and most simply, your left and right brain are at war
To fix the problem we must separate them from each other
Splitting your neurological functions in
5... 4... 3.. 2.. 1
This may hurt a bit, 0
Isolation complete
This is Bos left brain, objective, logical, cold, analytical
Aware of patterns aware of trends he's efficient, and a prick
This is Bos right brain subjective, creative, sensory
Aware of feelings, aware of people, he's emotional, and an idiot
Okay boys play nice

I am the left brain, I am the left brain
I work really hard until my inevitable death brain
You got a job you better do it right in the right way with the left brains might

I get happy when I smell cookies (haha cookies!) 
And I cry for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3
Cause I am the right brain, I have feelings, I'm a little all over the place but I'm lustful and trustful and I'm looking for somebody to love.. Or put my penis in

Here comes a female, here comes a female
Puff your chest up take your phone out and check your email
Or evolutionary purpose is to repopulate
So gather data now and see if she's a possible mate

Holy fuck I think she might be the one, there's something about her, I just can't describe it
Boobs
I am the earth, she is the glorious sun
I want her to trust me and I want her to sit on my fucking face!
Alright now right brain you're being insane
No left brain, I'm just being alive
You should try it, you might like it

I worked hard to give him everything he cared about
You were worried about the things he was scared about
I'm calm and collective when you act wild
I am the adult you are child

You think you're the right one every time
You think you know everything but you don't know anything at all
Half of his problems were supposed to be mine
But you wanted everything I hope that you're happy because he's sure not

Well according to my calculations, I'm sorry just let me run this again, you're a giant pussy

Really name calling? Really name calling?

I'm name calling names alright, I'm just stating facts alright, the fact is you're a gigantic pussy

I'm the pussy? Really? Well at least I don't play with toys still

Rubix cubes are not toys alright, they keep my spacial rethink skills.. Sharp

Left brain plays with toys! Haha, fucking, toy player

Well at least I did my fucking job, I kept him working, I kept him productive
You were supposed to look after him
You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable for all this
Now you're trying to blame me for how he's feeling, how he's feeling!
If he's feeling unhappy it's because you failed him
You did this to him, he hates you I know he does, he fucking hates you!

Right brain I'm sorry, okay?

No you're not

Look, maybe there's something we can do together

Together?

Take the best parts of both of us and put them together

It would let you let your feelings out, It would let me analyze

It's something that George Carlin did, It's something Steve Martin did
It's something special we can both perform, do you know what it is?

Oral sex on ourselves, we could suck each others dicks because no one is gonna suck our dicks for us !

It was comedy, you, fuck it, we could do comedy