Nutcracker - Straight No Chaser

Hooray it's Christmastime
But there's one lousy tradition
There's a certain show that we will see
That is old and many would agree
It is time to find another show to substitute for the Nutcracker

I'm watching the game but something's wrong
Staring is my wife her face looks long
I know that look it must be me
It's not our anniversary
I shrug, no clue.
"What did I do?"
She stands in disbelief
WHAT?

This holiday scene brings no laughter
Forced going to see the Nutcracker
I tried to block it from my mind
Think fast! What reason can I find?
Got work to do
I'll fake the flu
No chance, I'm done, I'm screwed
NO!
I've seen the Nutcracker twenty times.
Sure it is fun if you are four.
BUM!
Don't call me a Scrooge cause it's a bore.
The story's dated and that mouse-king-thing freaks me out!

Well, guess I'm a guy what can I say
I'd rather watch football than ballet
I try my hardest not to groan
And pull the score up on my phone
As I complain,
"It's not the same."
We're rushing out the door
GO!
All holiday shoppers on the road
My holiday spirit might explode
Of course there is no place to park
We're late the theater's in the dark
In no small feat
We find a seat
The show's about to start.
SHH!

Here's that song from Tetris
And I know it's the part when I fight
Not to fall asleep
March the wooden soldiers
Bunch of mice start a fight
Land of sweets
Man this stuff's trippy.

By the way this story makes no sense
Still don't know
What it means
After all these years
So confusing
Feel like snoozing
Eyes are heavy
As I start to dream...

Whoa I'm awake must've fallen asleep guess I didn't snore or make a peep
Cause my wife had no clue I'd been out-cold
Is the finale coming up because there is no beer left in my cup
To make it through I'll need another drink
Snuck out to the lobby
Oh look I found a TV
I forgot the game was happening
It's down to the wire
Time will soon expire
Down by one this kick would win it

HUT-HUT!
The ball's snapped
OH NO!
The kick's bad
RIGHT RIGHT!
No, we lost!
NO!
How could this night get any worse?

Now I'm feeling all depressed
But I still have to act impressed
A pirouette oh wow that's great a six year-old could do that too
Saw my team lose at the bar
Now dancing dudes in leotards
Last Nutcracker hopefully
But my wife's thinking differently
She leans in closely, whispers softly
Can't wait for you to take me next year.