The Goat Song - Adam Sandler

I am a simple goat, I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The old man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a fuck
Hey goat, I'm gonna beat your head in with a hickory stick

Sometimes he uses his fists
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage
And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean, his chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe
Asleep I pray he falls

But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The old man was just like my dad

I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the old man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can

Then he stopped in his tracks and he said, "Hey goat
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"

I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"
So we went off to America
The home of the apple pie

On the boat, the old man told me
I would be a present for his wife
A talking goat, he exclaimed
She'd never seen this in her life, I felt so special

Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all these years I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard, he scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end

But when we got to his house, there was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said, "I'm leaving you for your brother
Because he fucks me better"

His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief
To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side of beef

I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe"
He just shook his head and said, "Nope"
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope

Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the am radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw

At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go on too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet

But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
When the old man was passed out drunk
Three neighborhood kids took me to a rock 'n' roll concert
The kind of music, old-school funk

It was the first time I got off the truck the music made me lose control
The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, "Fucking crank that rock 'n' roll"
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur, fuck me in the goat-ass

Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nice
Till I nervously sprayed them with shit
Then the music stopped and everything was quite
And all the rock 'n' rollers started a fucking goat-riot

Kill the goat, kill the goat
Kill the goat, kill the goat

They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said, "I was a dead fucking goat meat"

But then I saw a sight that I never thought I'd see
The old man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
"Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys don't you press your luck"

The long hairs ran away screaming as I scrambled onto the truck
When we got home, the old man said, "Goat, you broke the sacred law"
No, please, sorry, shit
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again I'll break your fucking jaw
Super, great, okay

Thank you old man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbecue me
But you acted like a friend

"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you I'm just not drunk," he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
And beat the fucking shit out of my head
Ow, ow, you're hurting me old man

That night I served a concussion
Deep inside my goat brain
I still cannot feel my tail bone
And I'll probably never walk straight again, yeah

I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the old man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock

He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old fuck
And once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck

Goodnight, old man
Yeah, goodnight goat